What I have written below has been adapted and edited from an article by J. Lee Grady, editor of Charisma Magazine, http://www.charismamag.com/fireinmybones/
(The style of writing is called: tongue-in-cheek, that is, in an ironic manner, not meant to be taken seriously).
TEN WAYS TO GUARANTEE YOU WILL BE A “SUCCESS” IN MINISTRY (haha)
1. Live a prideful, untransparent life. Because you are a special leader like you are means you don’t have to admit that you have any issues. Keep in mind that you are a perfect individual who thinks that everyone else needs to experience the miracle of God’s mercy but you don’t. You don’t have any weaknesses, so, take yourself seriously. Because you know you are perfect, you don’t need a close relationship with any mature mentors or trusted peers. And always cling to the fact that everyone else needs to get right with God but you don’t.
2. Don’t be open to correction. Work in isolation and surround yourself with “yes” men. And as your ministry grows, decrease the number of close friends in your life because, after all, no one else knows better than you how to grow your ministry. If your colleagues are rubber-stamping everything you do, consider that a confirmation that you are the best and God really does like the way do everything. If people tell you they can’t correct you because you are either authoritarian or subtly controlling, just tell them God has given you the “anointing” and He has placed you in charge of the church. If they don’t like the way you do things, they need to get the “anointing” immediately or just go ahead and leave the church.
3. Never examine your actions and attitudes. What would that matter? God doesn’t really care about all of that stuff, does He? And it doesn’t matter whether you tell the truth or not. Who cares whether you exaggerate how many you had in attendance at “Bring A Friend Day” at your church? Don’t feel like you have to answer to anyone about the finances of church. You are in charge and you can do whatever you want with the money in the church. And don’t have any checks and balances set in place so that you always have to comply with the law regarding the IRS, the church finances, and your personal taxes. Everybody lies just a little on their tax forms don’t they? And, what the government doesn’t know can’t hurt them. Right? And don’t worry about that sexual purity thing? What’s it gonna hurt if you look at a little porn on the internet when no one is looking while you are secluded in your office by yourself?
4. Don’t stay in touch with the real world. Ministry is all about who you know, how much you know and how much you can impress people with your knowledge. Loving people that hurt? Forget about them. Don’t you think they are just a bunch of wimps who can’t handle the real world? And those people who don’t smell good, don’t look good, and live in poverty? Why, those “kinds” of people wouldn’t fit in at your church anyway so why waste your time making an attempt to minister to them. And you certainly don’t need to visit the sick and the dying who cry in pain. Let the doctors and nurses take of them. Anyway, that chaplain at the hospital is trained to minister to them. Just let him do his job and don’t get in his way.
5. Allow people to make you a celebrity. Before Jesus began His ministry, the devil showed Him the kingdoms of the world and offered Him fame and fortune and Jesus refused that kind of notoriety and celebrity. But, that was Jesus and you are not Him. So, go ahead and accept all of the adulation and praise from your church members, your fellow pastors, and all of the “big name” people you know. Hey, they are right about you: you are a pretty good deal. Become a star. Let people put you on a pedestal. And, if the spirit of celebrity is seducing you, embrace it and expect other people to wash your feet (and clean your car and cut your grass). You’re special and don’t let anyone ever tell you otherwise.
6. Don’t make family a priority. You have so many other important things to do: meetings to go to, revivals to preach. You don’t have time for your family. God will take care of them. Surely, your family doesn’t expect you to cancel important meetings and revivals in order for you to spend time with them?
7. Live extravagantly and give modestly. You need to be sure everyone sees you driving an expensive car, live in an expensive home, and wear expensive clothes and jewelry. Giving to others? Nah, you need to be sure that you have all the money you need in order to live the kind of lifestyle that lives up to your image. Giving to the church? Why, isn’t that like paying part of your own salary? Just keep that money that would be your tithe. It is just going to come back to you in a paycheck anyway.
8. Build your own kingdom. Name your ministry, your church, or your web site after yourself. That’s what all the other “big boys” do. You are the one-man show. And what’s up with all this talk about teamwork. You don’t need a team because you can do it all by yourself. Don’t you agree that those who think they can’t “do it all” by themselves and need a team are a bunch of wimps? They just need to grow up and put their “big boy pants on”.
9. Don’t worry about asking others to pray for you. You are special and you don’t have any concerns that would require others to pray for you, anyway. Consider yourself to be one of the best preachers/pastors around. So, why would you need to ask anyone to pray for you?
10. Finally, don’t worry about maintaining your relationship to God. People who experience moral failure are just a bunch of losers, aren’t they? You know you that you should think highly of yourself. And even though you know other pastors who have fallen, you would never ever think about committing adultery with that woman who came up to you last week where you preached a revival. She said she had never, ever heard anyone preach so wonderfully like you did. Then, she asked you if you could meet her somewhere for coffee and counseling. And, now that you think about it, what would it hurt to meet her? Aren’t you supposed to help those who need counseling, no matter who it is and no matter where they live?
Oh, wait a minute!!!! I forgot:
Pride goes before destruction, and haughtiness before a fall. (Proverbs 16:18)
A man's pride will bring him low...(Proverbs 29:23a)
Kenny
www.churchgrowth1.blogspot.com
http://360.yahoo.com/kennethcorn
www.mudcreekchurch.org
www.fruitland.edu
